The Change by Noriko IIt was a reconciliation with the world.Since the day I was made to liveprobably six or seven?I always hated the world. I did not want to live.I was afraid of God, whose existence was not clear to mebut I was too afraid of such celestial being,(Buddha, or eight million gods, or God—whoever I later chose to believe in)about my sins, or the guilt. Because I was allowing my fatherto conduct sexual acts on my body. The six/seven years old knew what incest was, without knowing the word for it, but knewfrom her heart that something fundamentally wrong was going on.But she could not say no to him.IIMy mother did not love me for sure. This six year old,who receives the attention and infatuated loveconstantly and consistently from her husband. As his wife, it must have been tough to accept that I was her child.IIINuclear familyhappy on the surfacemerry jingles on Christmasbut my mother and brotheralways covertly tied in teamnervously watched my father’s moodand diddering in front of himlittle dictator of the househe was a king, a tyrant.Laughable, is not it?but you can never escapefrom your familyif you are a child.IVThe world I was living in was hostile and hateful. BecauseI hated the world, the world did not like me. It is a natural consequence but I did not know that the world was just like a mirror of yourself.If you are full of hatred, the world is full of hatred towards you.Perception is all. Furthermore I was so sensitive about anything. People’s trivial wordswithout any malice or any intentions to mean anything badwas interpreted as malicious disgrace.I used to struggle so much to connect to people, hoping to be loved by someone.But I could not love people. Because I could not love myself.VNighttime was dark at my householdsometimes my father came to my bedsometimes not. But I could not sleepfearing that he may be touching mewhile I was asleep anyway somornings came with solace knowingthat he did not come during the night. VIThe only thing I was proud of myself was the fact thatI did not kill myself. Suicidal thoughts andfantasising my death was a norm. Imagining the world without mewas a dream. Imagining myself as a symbol of hatred, dying was somehow seemingly satisfying.VIIBut a life-changing thing somehow happened. After four and half years of the psychotherapy I took, I managed to change my view of the world. Things have changed literally dramatically.Grey world became colourful.Insipid sand became tasty dinner.Simply because I managed to say ‘help me.’ I started to accept myself. It would be right for me to say that I may even love myself. It was a reconciliation with the world. And that was the timeI concentrated on study, work, and I met a love of my life.VIIIIf this reconciliation did not happen, I may have ended upin a woods, killing myself — that is for sure